And Hope to Die
by AbsentAngel
Summary: Lucy learns that some promises can't be broken. For Ft Angst Weeks bonus prompt "Cross My Heart".
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 **And Hope to Die**

 **by AbsentAngel**

 **(:)(A)(:)**

 _ **I cross my heart ...**_

It is a promise she gives willingly, carelessly, but at the moment it seems completely natural. It feels right to return his embrace, to let his hair tickle her chin as she assures him that she really is alright. There are scrapes and bruises stinging against her skin and a shallow cut burning at her neck, but the adrenaline pumping through her veins assures her that she is very much alive. Natsu is visibly shaken though. There is the tiniest tremble hiding beneath the strong pull of his arms, a shakiness in the breath ghosting across the hollow of her throat.

She runs her fingers through his hair, the same way her mother used to do for her whenever she was afraid. "Natsu?" His name is a whispered question, a gentle invitation to share his demons.

He buries his face into her shoulder, his hold tightening until her spine threatens to pop beneath the pressure. "I thought you were gone. I thought you left me." He pulls back enough to hold her face between his dirty, roughened palms. There is a heat in his gaze, but it's not the kind she is used to seeing. "Don't do that ever again, Lucy."

There is a small part of her, the indignant part, that wants to remind him that she didn't choose to pass out, but she can't bring herself to do it. There are words left unsaid between them, silent, but their presence is as clear as freshly polished glass. She has scared him, and she only wants to fix it. "I'm not going anywhere," she says, hoping to reassure him. "I'm staying right here, with you," she says.

His face, smudged with dirt and blood, hardens. "Promise." It is a demand, not a request.

She smiles and strangles the small, sad giggle that threatens to spill from her mouth. She signs an 'x' over her left breast. "Cross my heart," she promises, because if it will make him smile again she can ignore the pain in her chest. She tells herself that Natsu is only overreacting, and that she is far, far away from death's door.

It is a lie, but this fact only comes to light when her vision starts to blur moments later. She begins to hear voices shouting foreign words like, 'poison' and 'hurry'. In her chest her heart gives a stuttering whine, and Lucy knows that is too late. She is dying. A dark veil darkens her eyes, her ears, and she embraces the loss as a mercy even as tears spring from her eyes. She does not want the last thing she remembers to be the look of betrayal on Natsu's face. She does not want the last thing she hears to be his screams.

Only... words have power. She has known this ever since she was a little girl. A mean word, a disgruntled dismissal from her father could cut her to the bone the same way a gawky joke from the cook could lift her spirits. The right words can mean the difference between war and peace, between love and hate.

Words are _magic_.

Lucy knows this, but it is only as she is looking down at her body – pale with dull eyes staring up at the sun – and at Natsu sobbing over her, that she realizes how much she underestimated the power of a promise. There is no door to the other side for her to walk through, no white light to guide her. The sky is still blue, and the scar ridden battle ground looks the same. Erza and Gray are still there, tears making trails along their dirt stained cheeks and a mixture of anger and overwhelming sadness staining their eyes.

She tells them it isn't their fault – no one knew the blade that nicked her neck was kissed with poison – but they don't seem to hear her. They only stare, lost as Natsu weeps over her and demands that she wake up. It is only when he begins to violently shake her limp shoulders that they intervene. As they drag him away from her corpse he screams, over and over until his voice breaks and words fail him. "She's not gone! She can't be! She promised to stay! She promised to stay!"

She did. She promised. Which is why as they pull him away from her body she feels a tug on her soul, a drag of her heart, that forces her to follow. She doesn't try to leave him as they travel back to Fairy Tail. During the train ride she sits beside him and rubs his back while she tells him everything will be ok. She is by his side when he opens the door to his home and collapses, alone, in a mountain of crumpled blankets on the floor. She cries with him, wraps her arms around him and sobs into his shoulder, "I'm here, Natsu. I'm here. Can't you feel me?"

Mostly her words, her actions, have no affect; and she feels like she is drowning. She fights (claws and tears and _screams)_ but she can't break free. The waters surface remains smooth as glass and as impenetrable as steel. No matter how hard she tries, how loudly she howls, she fails (again, and again, and again) to ripple the surface. There is no physical proof of her existence, no way for her to show him that she is still beside him. One night, when he whispers her name under his breath and his eyes linger in her direction, she feels hope bubble in her chest and she thinks that maybe her presence is making a difference after all. Moments later she realizes that he is staring through her, and she feels herself sink deeper into the dark waters surrounding her.

One night something in him breaks, and Lucy watches as he punches holes through the doors and slams furniture against the walls. Cabinets, filled with clattering dishes, are ripped from the studs and thrown to the floor so violently that bits of porcelain and glass erupt from poorly hinged doors like sharp edged confetti. When he finally collapses, exhausted, there is a mess of bloody footprints throughout the house from where splinters of broken wood and glass have embedded between his toes. He stares with an empty gaze at the chaos he has created and seems no better for it. Blood begins to pool beneath his feet, and Lucy tries to pull the debris from his skin – tries to pull the thorns from his soul – and sobs when, again and again, her hands pass through his bloodied flesh.

Tears, only as real as she is, streak her cheeks as she meets Natsu's hollow stare, and she wonders if this is what Hell looks like.

 _ **... and hope to die.**_

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Hi all, it's that time again! Angst week is upon us! I have a couple planned that you will see in the next week. After that you should get the newest chapter of To the Flame shortly after (it is very, very close to being completed).

Thanks as always for your support and patience!


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